Motherless Mother

Long Time Coming...

2008-05-16T13:21:00.003-05:00

I haven't been here in awhile, I 've been going thru somethings, trying to process, trying to decide which path to go down. I still haven't decided, but I am definately getting closer. Things are starting to fall into place and I am starting to see more clearly the things I should have seen a long time ago, many, many years ago. I have such a hard time letting go, moving on, moving forward, I usually don't unless I'm forced. I guess maybe I am, in a way, being forced to make a choice. I hate feeling that I have been used. I would be ok with it, if I actually knew it ahead of time. I really am the kind of person that if you are honest and upfront with me, can actually handle anything. I don't like the way I feel right now, betrayal is a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I have had so many people in my life betray me. {even 1 is too many} I am just dissapointed that I put faith in other people and end up feeling used. Very tired of that I can tell you. I think what bothers me the most is that even though I believed this person, actually one of the few people in my life that I have completely trusted, could do this to me. But, then I have that annoying little voice in the back of my mind telling me "hey dumb ass, you should have read the writing on the wall". Yep, that voice sucks. I just can't seem to shut it up though. I have this annoying quality of always believing the best, the fing pollyanna shit, always, always gets me. I keep trying to myself that I should be sad, but I'm not. I think that maybe after all this time of being let down and being dissapointed, I just don't have anything left.

Please. . .

2008-04-16T18:20:00.002-05:00

Please go to this website http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/ and pass this on to anyone you know. Thank you! Please click on the big pink box (that says "Click here to give - its free") in the middle of the page. Each click is counted and then helps fund mammograms for women who can't afford them. :-) Thank you very much!

The girl and her boyfriend Spring Break 08

2008-04-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

Home

2008-04-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

Back home again, to cold, dreary, wet, crappy weather, but I sure glad to be home again! The vacation was good. The weather was wonderful! It was so nice to be able to see my daughter, and to meet her boyfriend. That was something that I think we were all apprehensive about. She's a sophmore in college. She wanted to bring her boyfriend to meet us. Of course I have been pushing a meeting for about 6 months, but she kept coming up with excuses. I understand that, they met at college, their relationship is built around a lot of their OWN time. Its not like he had to come to our house to pick her up for a date or anything. She goes to college about 15 hours from where we live so theres not a big chance of us popping in on them. She had told me how nervous he was to meet us, his exact words were "I want your family to think I'm a keeper". He wasn't just meeting us, mom, dad and brother. My inlaws live fairly close to where we stay, and this year, the first year ever, my brother, sil3 and niece were also going to be staying with us. So, this poor guy was walking into a very big crazy, nutty, loving, crazy, did I say crazy, bunch of his girlfriends family. And not only was he meeting us all for the first time he was going to be staying (living) with us for a week! WOW! What a brave soul he was! My daughter has never really had a boyfriend before so this was BIG, big on many many levels. Her uncles (my little brothers) had been telling her how they were going to "test" him, they really were just teasing her, but she was really stressed by all of this. Stressed to the point of constantly giving me grief over it. We got to the house that we were staying at, and began the process of "moving in". Husband, the boy and I arrived first, we (ok just me) were busy unpacking and trying to get settled. My brother and sil3 were going to be arriving a couple of hours after us, and the girl and her beau would be flying in about 10:30 that night. I was nervous, I wanted us to all make a good impression, but I was more nervous for the 2 of them. I had the house fairly well set up, the fridge full, husband did his job, which was stocking the cooler full of alcohol. The boy, who is now 17, has joined the troops of millions of other teenagers and turned into some alien that we barely know. Occasionally we will get a glimpse of the real him, but that has really become a rare occurance. Brother and sil3 showed up, we got them settled and grabbed a few drinks. Sil3 and I spent a quite of bit of time trying to work thru the logistics of the situation that would soon be upon us. {My personality is the type that has to analyze, over analyze and then over analyze another hundred times before a situation happens, this is not a good trait, but like my son says "its how I roll"} The original plan was that the boy and boyfriend would share the bedroom upstairs (bunkbeds) until less than 2 minutes of being in the house the boy comes downstairs and says "I barely fit in the bunk bed." he then proceeded to turn on the tv and watch basketball. So when sil3 got there I presented her with this issue. The house had 3 bedrooms and 2 pullouts in the living/kitchen area. The original plan was husband and I in bed 1, brother & sil3 in the other (with the baby), the boy and boyfriend would share the bunkbed room, and the girl would be sleeping on one of the pullouts. Now, we {the adults, not the college agers} get up early, especially brother, he's up at 5 am no matter what time he goes to bed, so we didn't want to put boyfriend in the midst of morning chatter, the girl well, she could just deal. Now the situation is the boy is about 5'11" and the boyfriend is about 6'2", so if the boy is having difficulty fitting in the bed, theres no way boyfriend is going to fit. We hadn't really come up with a solution, and then it was time to go to the airport. ARGGGH! I work much better when I have a solution for [almost] every possible scenario that will present itself. Brother says, hey why don't you guys stay here, and the boy and I will go pick them up. OK, SURE, THANKS! Now sil3 and I were on high alert to solve the sleeping issue. About 15 minutes before they got back from the airport, I spotted an "extra" mattress under the daybed. WHEW! That was close. . . we drug the mattress upstairs and put it on the floor. Not a perfect solution, but hey, I wasn't giving up my bed. So, we just acted like we had planned it like this all along, and it went fine. I'm sure that I have bored everyone enough for now. Sorry. I will finish this later, husband is asking why he doesn't have any dinner yet, and its 8pm.

2008-03-18T11:27:00.000-05:00

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Royal Highness Heidi the Ebullient of Wimblish upon Frognaze
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Spring Break

2008-03-14T11:42:00.000-05:00

This is where we are going in 6 days! Wow it has been a long winter, I am so glad to be heading towards some sun and warm weather. I am the one who loves snow. No, not just loves snow, I mean LOOOOVVES snow. I have had my fill, and really am starting to question where that love of the cold, white stuff came from. Even though we don't leave for 6 days, in my mind I am there.

Another One

2008-03-13T20:37:00.000-05:00

My uncle is going to die very soon. We called hospice in last week. They brought in a hospital bed yesterday. He can't really move, he sleeps most of the time, I guess thats probably from the morphine.

WELCOME

2008-02-15T12:09:00.000-06:00

I swear I must have "welcome" stamped on my forhead. I am the person that most EVERYONE I know (and even some I don't) come to for all their problems to be solved. When I need a favor or god forbid just someone to talk to where the fuck all those people? Not the fuck around thats for sure!

Dad . . .

2008-01-25T20:00:00.000-06:00

On January 26, 2000 my dad died. He took his last breath at 3:02 am. The black veil fell over my life and I have desperatley been trying to lift it. Why did he and my mom give up and die and leave us?

My Mom

2007-11-20T13:46:00.000-06:00

12 years ago today at almost this time my mom died. It feels like it just happened. She had breast cancer. She was so kind, so sweet. She never met a stranger - she would do anything she could to help ANYONE ~ she just loved people. She was a teacher, she taught elementary school - she taught reading, she taught night classes at a local college. She was a wonderful mom, but more than that she was my friend. She was a terrific grandma to my kids. Life is just not the same without her. She fought the cancer, she was first diagnosed in March of 1991. She had a mastectomy - I changed her bandages for her. She didn't want my dad to see her without her "bosom". The cancer came back in the right breast. She again, had surgery, she did the chemo, the radiation. She lost her hair and we bought wigs. I miss her so much . . . I love you Mom

Redundant

2007-11-16T12:19:00.001-06:00

My life seems to be a futile attempt at really living. Does that even make sense? I'm sure not. I have been told for so long, for so many years, that I am dumb, stupid, a fuck up. And the thing is I hate whiny! I just truly hate it - but after reading my previous posts, I sound like a whiny little ass! (which just wrong because my husband would be the first in line to dispute that my ass is little lol) That just pisses me off! So all of that crap aside . . . its November, Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I am going to be thankful. I really am thankful, I have so many blessings, and maybe all of the "crap" that goes on in my life is there to remind me to be thankful. Well aren't I just a fat ray of sunshine today! My daughter will be home from college in 5 days! I am so excited! I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her since september 10th - that seems like a lifetime ago, but then on the other hand it seems like yesterday - I have great kids, I am sooo lucky! Of course they can be very "normal" teenagers, that drive me crazy, but all in all the good so much more out weighs the bad. Their father on the other hand . . . oh I can't go there that would be complaining and negative. God forbid! I have been told by sil3 that "people only treat you how you allow them to." Ok so my first instinct was ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! My second was WHAT THE FUCK!, so I am asking to be treated like a friggin doormat?!? Now that I have had months to digest this statement, I guess I can see where it makes sense, but how does one go about changing habits of being the resident doormat after soooo many years? Any ideas? At this point anything would be good, since the only ideas I can come up with is slapping someone upside the head, and that just makes me sound mean. I'm not a mean person, I'm not even a rude person, at least to the outside world, but let me tell you inside my head I am royal bitch! I can put up an intense fight in my head - where I am safe, sometimes it leaks out a bit to him, but . . . I can tell you from 20+ years of experience with him it doesn't seem to matter if I am docile, a pleaser, or a bitch, he will never be happy (with me). I don't know if its that he won't be happy with me, thats always been my fear, that its all me, the problems, the fights, his unhappiness, its all me. But then I think that makes me sound tooo self absorbed, that I actually have that kind of power, and I know I don't. I just struggle to make it all make sense in my head, and unfortunately it never does.

Bad

2007-05-18T16:13:00.000-05:00

How do I get past the bad? That is really my goal. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of goals,
get organized, loose weight, blah blah blah. Really I just want to get past the bad in my head, my heart. I don't want the pain. I don't want the sad. I don't want the nervous questioning of myself constantly. It is such a tiresome load. I want to live, I am so afraid I am going to die.
I want to plan for my future, but I don't know how. I don't know how to get past this day. Each and every day. Maybe there really is something wrong with me, mentally, of course, and all of this is "normal" for crazy people. When my daughter and son are under the same roof as me I feel safer. Sad, but true. How do I feel safe in my own skin? Is that ever possible?

2007-05-16T08:23:00.000-05:00

What is the point of being mean, angry . . . just plain nasty? Does that mean that the person that is this way just so unhappy within themselves that they feel it necessary to spew their venom all over the rest of the "happy" in their lives? I am generally a "happy" person, and even when I'm not, I try not to take out the rest of the world. X just generally seems to be an unhappy person. I ask a question, not a big deal, not a question like "can you give me a kidney?" just a question like "what do you want for dinner?" and then BAM! I get raked over the coals, lambasted - wtf - "Are you stupid? why do you need to ask me that? I'm busy right now and can't think about that! (btw he's just driving-not even in traffic - just driving) WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER ME WITH THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!" I try to say "i just was" and I get "I don't give a shit what you are saying, SHUT UP, why would you call me and bother me!" end of discussion, I hang up the phone. Does he hate me so much that he just has to be nasty all of the time? Why do I care? What is wrong with me that I have to feel somehow his behavior is justified. Because I am somehow someway so damaged that the only thing I deserve is this kind of treatment. The shit of it is that when he walks thru the door he will act as if nothing happened. Then look at me and say "Meatloaf?" I will say "yep" and he will say something like "I'm not in the mood for that, can you fix me something else" - I at this point will literally want to throw the meatloaf at him, but no, I will just turn around, push the tears down, push the anger down, and fix him something else. What is wrong with me? I am truly a screwed up tortured person, but honestly I think I'm the one torturing myself.

I HATE CHANGE . . .

2007-05-08T14:31:00.000-05:00

With that being said, yes, I will admit, I am hardcore against change. I realize that change is good. But that doesn't mean for one second that I have to like it. Its hard, its scary . . . it just really sucks. Looking back, I have fought change from the time I was very little. There must be something really screwed up deep, very deep, within me - I truly almost go into complete meltdown. Of course I have learned how to hide it better, push it down, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I used to believe, I could push the pain down so far, that it was gone. Not figuritively, really truly gone. I have come to realize that it is never gone, it is always with me. The pain hovers around me, wherever I go, whatever I do. How do I get rid of it? Do I really want to get rid of it? What happens then? Can I actually be one of those people who are so ok within themselves? I doubt it, but maybe thru this - getting my feelings down in a place that no one cares, no one reads, I will somehow be able to work thru everything. Why is that necessary? To "WORK" thru the shit that was so painful, that I didn't want to live thru it at the time, now it has somehow become necessary to relive it. Isn't that sick? Isn't that somehow just making things worse? Well I don't know, and pushing it down, ignoring it isn't working (which by the way is extremely annoying). I don't even really know where to start. The begining - when would that have been. The first time that I was molested? The first time I was told they were so disappointed that I was a girl when I was born? Fastforward when my mom got cancer? when my mom died? when my dad got sick, when he died. When I was so scared, scared doesn't even describe how I felt as I was fighting for my life and so relieved, yet scared when I was left on that dark and desolate country road, when I was petrified, litteraly that my children (and me) would be killed? When I realized that it didn't matter if I was dead as long as my children were alive. When I realized that no matter what I was unlovable, I am broken beyond repair. I think that would be the place to start, but damn it! Thats just way to fucking painful! I miss my mom and dad soooo much, I miss my kids (yes my kids are alive, and healthy and WONDERFUL!!! I am so PROUD OF THEM!) but I miss them needing me, and being around all the time. Maybe this is some wacked out hormone problem that I am having, but that is doubtful. I can't deal - I have to go.

WHERE AM I GOING??

2007-04-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in awhile ~ confused, depressed etc. I started this so that I could figure out what to do, where to go (figuritively mostly). I find that when I think about these things it just makes me more depressed so I just avoid, avoid, avoid, avoid. Thats what I do best - I have perfected the fine art of avoidance ~ need any tips, just ask. I am an expert at avoiding ~ I don't know why . . .is is any easier to avoid? NO, definately it isn't! If you are considering taking on the role of AVOIDER - please I beg of you, don't do it! It will only bring you pain in the end! I can promise you that, from many, many years of experience! I don't know what is wrong with me, and quite frankly I can't stand the whole "self pity" thing, it just makes me ill, but then why do I find myself surounded by these experts in the "woe is me" lifestyle - chicken little mentality! So, according to Dr. Phil I am somehow getting a payoff from this. OK. Well then I wish it paid more, because right now I sure could use it!

HAPPY

2007-01-19T12:55:00.000-06:00

I was asked "are you happy?". My answer, yes, happiness is a choice. Well after the crazy days I've been having, I ask myself, are you happy. In spite of the rollercoaster, (which I hate by the way) In spite of my own short comings, In spite of the bullshit that I put up with, YES, I am happy. Why? Well I would have to say, my children are the number one reason that I am happy. I love my children more than anything or anyone else in this world. I honestly don't know what I would do if the unspeakable were to happen. I don't know how I could go on, how could I breathe. . . how I would survive. Since both of my parents have died, some bad things have happened, but I have survived because of my children. My whole life thats all I wanted . . . to be a mother, a wife. I have made mistakes, I am an imperfect creature, with many flaws. But, my heart has always been in the right place.

ATTITUDE . . .

2007-01-17T12:20:00.000-06:00

OK ~ My job is kindof complicated but for the most part I really enjoy, and the hours are great because it allows me to be home when my son is home from school. But, . . . honestly, there are times when I just want to scream at people! Where does this rudeness come from. I have just been berated by a "customer". The reason customer is in quotes is because number 1, this person rarely spends any money here, and number 2, I just like putting things in quotes. I am overall a nice person. I am the person who everyone else dumps on, because I take it. I am the person that gets overlooked while waiting for help at a store, because I just blend into the back ground. So no, I'm not a mean, smart ass bitch as this man tried to tell me I was. This is part of my new years resolution, just because someone says I'm something doesn't mean I really am. I have been told my whole life that I was dumb, and honestly, I do truly still believe it, but I'm trying to get over that. My husband tells me how fat I am all the time, thats true. But even when I didn't think I was fat (size 6 or 8) he still told me that I was fat. So, now he's right, but he wasn't always right. But, why are people so rude!!! And the bigger question is why do I even care?

Beginings

2007-01-16T12:29:00.000-06:00

Why am I doing this?

I am not expecting anyone to read any of this. I guess more than anything I am hoping that this can be a "safe" place for me to vent, contemplate issues and situations, try to work thru things. I think that I try to be more of a "peacekeeper" though some would say this is really considered "martyrdom". Whatever. I have spent most of my life being the caretaker, the peace keeper, afraid to say or do anything that would upset anyone. Maybe that was my way of not taking chances, not trying new things, because I had a built in excuse. I don't want to do that anymore. But, I don't know who I am. I am a mother, a wife, . . . but who is Heidi? Good question. Since my daughter has now gone to college I am faced with more "free time". Not really, but in some ways I am. I still have my son at home, and of course my ever adolescent husband. But my daughter is my daughter, my friend, my companion. My son will go to lunch with me sometimes, but I know he is only doing it because he feels sorry for me. My mom died 11 years ago. I seem to be having a very hard time dealing with it. The couple of years were very hard, then it did seem to get "easier" if that makes sense, not easier in that I didn't miss her or didn't think about her, just that I didn't burst into tears at random moments. But now, I am bursting into tears at random moments and it sucks. My father died almost 6 years ago, and I try to constantly tell myself, I was lucky I had my parents into adulthood, where unfortunately some children loose their parents when they are young. wow that sucks in so many ways! but, somehow it doesn't stop my mourning and my feelings of abandonment. Thats so ridiculous! I just can't seem to get myself over this . . . and then I feel guilty about it and it seems to become a viscous circle. So, Why am I doing this? Because on some level I am hoping that maybe by getting it all down will be a way of getting it out of me . . . good luck to me!