Long Time Coming...

I haven't been here in awhile, I 've been going thru somethings, trying to process, trying to decide which path to go down. I still haven't decided, but I am definately getting closer. Things are starting to fall into place and I am starting to see more clearly the things I should have seen a long time ago, many, many years ago. I have such a hard time letting go, moving on, moving forward, I usually don't unless I'm forced. I guess maybe I am, in a way, being forced to make a choice. I hate feeling that I have been used. I would be ok with it, if I actually knew it ahead of time. I really am the kind of person that if you are honest and upfront with me, can actually handle anything. I don't like the way I feel right now, betrayal is a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I have had so many people in my life betray me. {even 1 is too many} I am just dissapointed that I put faith in other people and end up feeling used. Very tired of that I can tell you. I think what bothers me the most is that even though I believed this person, actually one of the few people in my life that I have completely trusted, could do this to me. But, then I have that annoying little voice in the back of my mind telling me "hey dumb ass, you should have read the writing on the wall". Yep, that voice sucks. I just can't seem to shut it up though. I have this annoying quality of always believing the best, the fing pollyanna shit, always, always gets me. I keep trying to myself that I should be sad, but I'm not. I think that maybe after all this time of being let down and being dissapointed, I just don't have anything left.

Please. . .

Please go to this website http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/ and pass this on to anyone you know. Thank you! Please click on the big pink box (that says "Click here to give - its free") in the middle of the page. Each click is counted and then helps fund mammograms for women who can't afford them. :-) Thank you very much!

The girl and her boyfriend Spring Break 08

Home

Back home again, to cold, dreary, wet, crappy weather, but I sure glad to be home again! The vacation was good. The weather was wonderful! It was so nice to be able to see my daughter, and to meet her boyfriend. That was something that I think we were all apprehensive about. She's a sophmore in college. She wanted to bring her boyfriend to meet us. Of course I have been pushing a meeting for about 6 months, but she kept coming up with excuses. I understand that, they met at college, their relationship is built around a lot of their OWN time. Its not like he had to come to our house to pick her up for a date or anything. She goes to college about 15 hours from where we live so theres not a big chance of us popping in on them. She had told me how nervous he was to meet us, his exact words were "I want your family to think I'm a keeper". He wasn't just meeting us, mom, dad and brother. My inlaws live fairly close to where we stay, and this year, the first year ever, my brother, sil3 and niece were also going to be staying with us. So, this poor guy was walking into a very big crazy, nutty, loving, crazy, did I say crazy, bunch of his girlfriends family. And not only was he meeting us all for the first time he was going to be staying (living) with us for a week! WOW! What a brave soul he was! My daughter has never really had a boyfriend before so this was BIG, big on many many levels. Her uncles (my little brothers) had been telling her how they were going to "test" him, they really were just teasing her, but she was really stressed by all of this. Stressed to the point of constantly giving me grief over it. We got to the house that we were staying at, and began the process of "moving in". Husband, the boy and I arrived first, we (ok just me) were busy unpacking and trying to get settled. My brother and sil3 were going to be arriving a couple of hours after us, and the girl and her beau would be flying in about 10:30 that night. I was nervous, I wanted us to all make a good impression, but I was more nervous for the 2 of them. I had the house fairly well set up, the fridge full, husband did his job, which was stocking the cooler full of alcohol. The boy, who is now 17, has joined the troops of millions of other teenagers and turned into some alien that we barely know. Occasionally we will get a glimpse of the real him, but that has really become a rare occurance. Brother and sil3 showed up, we got them settled and grabbed a few drinks. Sil3 and I spent a quite of bit of time trying to work thru the logistics of the situation that would soon be upon us. {My personality is the type that has to analyze, over analyze and then over analyze another hundred times before a situation happens, this is not a good trait, but like my son says "its how I roll"} The original plan was that the boy and boyfriend would share the bedroom upstairs (bunkbeds) until less than 2 minutes of being in the house the boy comes downstairs and says "I barely fit in the bunk bed." he then proceeded to turn on the tv and watch basketball. So when sil3 got there I presented her with this issue. The house had 3 bedrooms and 2 pullouts in the living/kitchen area. The original plan was husband and I in bed 1, brother & sil3 in the other (with the baby), the boy and boyfriend would share the bunkbed room, and the girl would be sleeping on one of the pullouts. Now, we {the adults, not the college agers} get up early, especially brother, he's up at 5 am no matter what time he goes to bed, so we didn't want to put boyfriend in the midst of morning chatter, the girl well, she could just deal. Now the situation is the boy is about 5'11" and the boyfriend is about 6'2", so if the boy is having difficulty fitting in the bed, theres no way boyfriend is going to fit. We hadn't really come up with a solution, and then it was time to go to the airport. ARGGGH! I work much better when I have a solution for [almost] every possible scenario that will present itself. Brother says, hey why don't you guys stay here, and the boy and I will go pick them up. OK, SURE, THANKS! Now sil3 and I were on high alert to solve the sleeping issue. About 15 minutes before they got back from the airport, I spotted an "extra" mattress under the daybed. WHEW! That was close. . . we drug the mattress upstairs and put it on the floor. Not a perfect solution, but hey, I wasn't giving up my bed. So, we just acted like we had planned it like this all along, and it went fine. I'm sure that I have bored everyone enough for now. Sorry. I will finish this later, husband is asking why he doesn't have any dinner yet, and its 8pm.

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Her Royal Highness Heidi the Ebullient of Wimblish upon Frognaze Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Spring Break

This is where we are going in 6 days! Wow it has been a long winter, I am so glad to be heading towards some sun and warm weather. I am the one who loves snow. No, not just loves snow, I mean LOOOOVVES snow. I have had my fill, and really am starting to question where that love of the cold, white stuff came from. Even though we don't leave for 6 days, in my mind I am there.

Another One

My uncle is going to die very soon. We called hospice in last week. They brought in a hospital bed yesterday. He can't really move, he sleeps most of the time, I guess thats probably from the morphine.

WELCOME

I swear I must have "welcome" stamped on my forhead. I am the person that most EVERYONE I know (and even some I don't) come to for all their problems to be solved. When I need a favor or god forbid just someone to talk to where the fuck all those people? Not the fuck around thats for sure!

Dad . . .

On January 26, 2000 my dad died. He took his last breath at 3:02 am. The black veil fell over my life and I have desperatley been trying to lift it. Why did he and my mom give up and die and leave us?