My Mom

12 years ago today at almost this time my mom died. It feels like it just happened. She had breast cancer. She was so kind, so sweet. She never met a stranger - she would do anything she could to help ANYONE ~ she just loved people. She was a teacher, she taught elementary school - she taught reading, she taught night classes at a local college. She was a wonderful mom, but more than that she was my friend. She was a terrific grandma to my kids. Life is just not the same without her. She fought the cancer, she was first diagnosed in March of 1991. She had a mastectomy - I changed her bandages for her. She didn't want my dad to see her without her "bosom". The cancer came back in the right breast. She again, had surgery, she did the chemo, the radiation. She lost her hair and we bought wigs. I miss her so much . . . I love you Mom

Redundant

My life seems to be a futile attempt at really living. Does that even make sense? I'm sure not. I have been told for so long, for so many years, that I am dumb, stupid, a fuck up. And the thing is I hate whiny! I just truly hate it - but after reading my previous posts, I sound like a whiny little ass! (which just wrong because my husband would be the first in line to dispute that my ass is little lol) That just pisses me off! So all of that crap aside . . . its November, Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I am going to be thankful. I really am thankful, I have so many blessings, and maybe all of the "crap" that goes on in my life is there to remind me to be thankful. Well aren't I just a fat ray of sunshine today! My daughter will be home from college in 5 days! I am so excited! I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her since september 10th - that seems like a lifetime ago, but then on the other hand it seems like yesterday - I have great kids, I am sooo lucky! Of course they can be very "normal" teenagers, that drive me crazy, but all in all the good so much more out weighs the bad. Their father on the other hand . . . oh I can't go there that would be complaining and negative. God forbid! I have been told by sil3 that "people only treat you how you allow them to." Ok so my first instinct was ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! My second was WHAT THE FUCK!, so I am asking to be treated like a friggin doormat?!? Now that I have had months to digest this statement, I guess I can see where it makes sense, but how does one go about changing habits of being the resident doormat after soooo many years? Any ideas? At this point anything would be good, since the only ideas I can come up with is slapping someone upside the head, and that just makes me sound mean. I'm not a mean person, I'm not even a rude person, at least to the outside world, but let me tell you inside my head I am royal bitch! I can put up an intense fight in my head - where I am safe, sometimes it leaks out a bit to him, but . . . I can tell you from 20+ years of experience with him it doesn't seem to matter if I am docile, a pleaser, or a bitch, he will never be happy (with me). I don't know if its that he won't be happy with me, thats always been my fear, that its all me, the problems, the fights, his unhappiness, its all me. But then I think that makes me sound tooo self absorbed, that I actually have that kind of power, and I know I don't. I just struggle to make it all make sense in my head, and unfortunately it never does.

Bad

How do I get past the bad? That is really my goal. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of goals,
get organized, loose weight, blah blah blah. Really I just want to get past the bad in my head, my heart. I don't want the pain. I don't want the sad. I don't want the nervous questioning of myself constantly. It is such a tiresome load. I want to live, I am so afraid I am going to die.
I want to plan for my future, but I don't know how. I don't know how to get past this day. Each and every day. Maybe there really is something wrong with me, mentally, of course, and all of this is "normal" for crazy people. When my daughter and son are under the same roof as me I feel safer. Sad, but true. How do I feel safe in my own skin? Is that ever possible?

What is the point of being mean, angry . . . just plain nasty? Does that mean that the person that is this way just so unhappy within themselves that they feel it necessary to spew their venom all over the rest of the "happy" in their lives? I am generally a "happy" person, and even when I'm not, I try not to take out the rest of the world. X just generally seems to be an unhappy person. I ask a question, not a big deal, not a question like "can you give me a kidney?" just a question like "what do you want for dinner?" and then BAM! I get raked over the coals, lambasted - wtf - "Are you stupid? why do you need to ask me that? I'm busy right now and can't think about that! (btw he's just driving-not even in traffic - just driving) WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER ME WITH THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!" I try to say "i just was" and I get "I don't give a shit what you are saying, SHUT UP, why would you call me and bother me!" end of discussion, I hang up the phone. Does he hate me so much that he just has to be nasty all of the time? Why do I care? What is wrong with me that I have to feel somehow his behavior is justified. Because I am somehow someway so damaged that the only thing I deserve is this kind of treatment. The shit of it is that when he walks thru the door he will act as if nothing happened. Then look at me and say "Meatloaf?" I will say "yep" and he will say something like "I'm not in the mood for that, can you fix me something else" - I at this point will literally want to throw the meatloaf at him, but no, I will just turn around, push the tears down, push the anger down, and fix him something else. What is wrong with me? I am truly a screwed up tortured person, but honestly I think I'm the one torturing myself.

I HATE CHANGE . . .

With that being said, yes, I will admit, I am hardcore against change. I realize that change is good. But that doesn't mean for one second that I have to like it. Its hard, its scary . . . it just really sucks. Looking back, I have fought change from the time I was very little. There must be something really screwed up deep, very deep, within me - I truly almost go into complete meltdown. Of course I have learned how to hide it better, push it down, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I used to believe, I could push the pain down so far, that it was gone. Not figuritively, really truly gone. I have come to realize that it is never gone, it is always with me. The pain hovers around me, wherever I go, whatever I do. How do I get rid of it? Do I really want to get rid of it? What happens then? Can I actually be one of those people who are so ok within themselves? I doubt it, but maybe thru this - getting my feelings down in a place that no one cares, no one reads, I will somehow be able to work thru everything. Why is that necessary? To "WORK" thru the shit that was so painful, that I didn't want to live thru it at the time, now it has somehow become necessary to relive it. Isn't that sick? Isn't that somehow just making things worse? Well I don't know, and pushing it down, ignoring it isn't working (which by the way is extremely annoying). I don't even really know where to start. The begining - when would that have been. The first time that I was molested? The first time I was told they were so disappointed that I was a girl when I was born? Fastforward when my mom got cancer? when my mom died? when my dad got sick, when he died. When I was so scared, scared doesn't even describe how I felt as I was fighting for my life and so relieved, yet scared when I was left on that dark and desolate country road, when I was petrified, litteraly that my children (and me) would be killed? When I realized that it didn't matter if I was dead as long as my children were alive. When I realized that no matter what I was unlovable, I am broken beyond repair. I think that would be the place to start, but damn it! Thats just way to fucking painful! I miss my mom and dad soooo much, I miss my kids (yes my kids are alive, and healthy and WONDERFUL!!! I am so PROUD OF THEM!) but I miss them needing me, and being around all the time. Maybe this is some wacked out hormone problem that I am having, but that is doubtful. I can't deal - I have to go.

WHERE AM I GOING??

I haven't written in awhile ~ confused, depressed etc. I started this so that I could figure out what to do, where to go (figuritively mostly). I find that when I think about these things it just makes me more depressed so I just avoid, avoid, avoid, avoid. Thats what I do best - I have perfected the fine art of avoidance ~ need any tips, just ask. I am an expert at avoiding ~ I don't know why . . .is is any easier to avoid? NO, definately it isn't! If you are considering taking on the role of AVOIDER - please I beg of you, don't do it! It will only bring you pain in the end! I can promise you that, from many, many years of experience! I don't know what is wrong with me, and quite frankly I can't stand the whole "self pity" thing, it just makes me ill, but then why do I find myself surounded by these experts in the "woe is me" lifestyle - chicken little mentality! So, according to Dr. Phil I am somehow getting a payoff from this. OK. Well then I wish it paid more, because right now I sure could use it!

HAPPY

I was asked "are you happy?". My answer, yes, happiness is a choice. Well after the crazy days I've been having, I ask myself, are you happy. In spite of the rollercoaster, (which I hate by the way) In spite of my own short comings, In spite of the bullshit that I put up with, YES, I am happy. Why? Well I would have to say, my children are the number one reason that I am happy. I love my children more than anything or anyone else in this world. I honestly don't know what I would do if the unspeakable were to happen. I don't know how I could go on, how could I breathe. . . how I would survive. Since both of my parents have died, some bad things have happened, but I have survived because of my children. My whole life thats all I wanted . . . to be a mother, a wife. I have made mistakes, I am an imperfect creature, with many flaws. But, my heart has always been in the right place.

ATTITUDE . . .

OK ~ My job is kindof complicated but for the most part I really enjoy, and the hours are great because it allows me to be home when my son is home from school. But, . . . honestly, there are times when I just want to scream at people! Where does this rudeness come from. I have just been berated by a "customer". The reason customer is in quotes is because number 1, this person rarely spends any money here, and number 2, I just like putting things in quotes. I am overall a nice person. I am the person who everyone else dumps on, because I take it. I am the person that gets overlooked while waiting for help at a store, because I just blend into the back ground. So no, I'm not a mean, smart ass bitch as this man tried to tell me I was. This is part of my new years resolution, just because someone says I'm something doesn't mean I really am. I have been told my whole life that I was dumb, and honestly, I do truly still believe it, but I'm trying to get over that. My husband tells me how fat I am all the time, thats true. But even when I didn't think I was fat (size 6 or 8) he still told me that I was fat. So, now he's right, but he wasn't always right. But, why are people so rude!!! And the bigger question is why do I even care?

Beginings

Why am I doing this?

I am not expecting anyone to read any of this. I guess more than anything I am hoping that this can be a "safe" place for me to vent, contemplate issues and situations, try to work thru things. I think that I try to be more of a "peacekeeper" though some would say this is really considered "martyrdom". Whatever. I have spent most of my life being the caretaker, the peace keeper, afraid to say or do anything that would upset anyone. Maybe that was my way of not taking chances, not trying new things, because I had a built in excuse. I don't want to do that anymore. But, I don't know who I am. I am a mother, a wife, . . . but who is Heidi? Good question. Since my daughter has now gone to college I am faced with more "free time". Not really, but in some ways I am. I still have my son at home, and of course my ever adolescent husband. But my daughter is my daughter, my friend, my companion. My son will go to lunch with me sometimes, but I know he is only doing it because he feels sorry for me. My mom died 11 years ago. I seem to be having a very hard time dealing with it. The couple of years were very hard, then it did seem to get "easier" if that makes sense, not easier in that I didn't miss her or didn't think about her, just that I didn't burst into tears at random moments. But now, I am bursting into tears at random moments and it sucks. My father died almost 6 years ago, and I try to constantly tell myself, I was lucky I had my parents into adulthood, where unfortunately some children loose their parents when they are young. wow that sucks in so many ways! but, somehow it doesn't stop my mourning and my feelings of abandonment. Thats so ridiculous! I just can't seem to get myself over this . . . and then I feel guilty about it and it seems to become a viscous circle. So, Why am I doing this? Because on some level I am hoping that maybe by getting it all down will be a way of getting it out of me . . . good luck to me!