HAPPY

I was asked "are you happy?". My answer, yes, happiness is a choice. Well after the crazy days I've been having, I ask myself, are you happy. In spite of the rollercoaster, (which I hate by the way) In spite of my own short comings, In spite of the bullshit that I put up with, YES, I am happy. Why? Well I would have to say, my children are the number one reason that I am happy. I love my children more than anything or anyone else in this world. I honestly don't know what I would do if the unspeakable were to happen. I don't know how I could go on, how could I breathe. . . how I would survive. Since both of my parents have died, some bad things have happened, but I have survived because of my children. My whole life thats all I wanted . . . to be a mother, a wife. I have made mistakes, I am an imperfect creature, with many flaws. But, my heart has always been in the right place.

ATTITUDE . . .

OK ~ My job is kindof complicated but for the most part I really enjoy, and the hours are great because it allows me to be home when my son is home from school. But, . . . honestly, there are times when I just want to scream at people! Where does this rudeness come from. I have just been berated by a "customer". The reason customer is in quotes is because number 1, this person rarely spends any money here, and number 2, I just like putting things in quotes. I am overall a nice person. I am the person who everyone else dumps on, because I take it. I am the person that gets overlooked while waiting for help at a store, because I just blend into the back ground. So no, I'm not a mean, smart ass bitch as this man tried to tell me I was. This is part of my new years resolution, just because someone says I'm something doesn't mean I really am. I have been told my whole life that I was dumb, and honestly, I do truly still believe it, but I'm trying to get over that. My husband tells me how fat I am all the time, thats true. But even when I didn't think I was fat (size 6 or 8) he still told me that I was fat. So, now he's right, but he wasn't always right. But, why are people so rude!!! And the bigger question is why do I even care?

Beginings

Why am I doing this?

I am not expecting anyone to read any of this. I guess more than anything I am hoping that this can be a "safe" place for me to vent, contemplate issues and situations, try to work thru things. I think that I try to be more of a "peacekeeper" though some would say this is really considered "martyrdom". Whatever. I have spent most of my life being the caretaker, the peace keeper, afraid to say or do anything that would upset anyone. Maybe that was my way of not taking chances, not trying new things, because I had a built in excuse. I don't want to do that anymore. But, I don't know who I am. I am a mother, a wife, . . . but who is Heidi? Good question. Since my daughter has now gone to college I am faced with more "free time". Not really, but in some ways I am. I still have my son at home, and of course my ever adolescent husband. But my daughter is my daughter, my friend, my companion. My son will go to lunch with me sometimes, but I know he is only doing it because he feels sorry for me. My mom died 11 years ago. I seem to be having a very hard time dealing with it. The couple of years were very hard, then it did seem to get "easier" if that makes sense, not easier in that I didn't miss her or didn't think about her, just that I didn't burst into tears at random moments. But now, I am bursting into tears at random moments and it sucks. My father died almost 6 years ago, and I try to constantly tell myself, I was lucky I had my parents into adulthood, where unfortunately some children loose their parents when they are young. wow that sucks in so many ways! but, somehow it doesn't stop my mourning and my feelings of abandonment. Thats so ridiculous! I just can't seem to get myself over this . . . and then I feel guilty about it and it seems to become a viscous circle. So, Why am I doing this? Because on some level I am hoping that maybe by getting it all down will be a way of getting it out of me . . . good luck to me!