I HATE CHANGE . . .

With that being said, yes, I will admit, I am hardcore against change. I realize that change is good. But that doesn't mean for one second that I have to like it. Its hard, its scary . . . it just really sucks. Looking back, I have fought change from the time I was very little. There must be something really screwed up deep, very deep, within me - I truly almost go into complete meltdown. Of course I have learned how to hide it better, push it down, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I used to believe, I could push the pain down so far, that it was gone. Not figuritively, really truly gone. I have come to realize that it is never gone, it is always with me. The pain hovers around me, wherever I go, whatever I do. How do I get rid of it? Do I really want to get rid of it? What happens then? Can I actually be one of those people who are so ok within themselves? I doubt it, but maybe thru this - getting my feelings down in a place that no one cares, no one reads, I will somehow be able to work thru everything. Why is that necessary? To "WORK" thru the shit that was so painful, that I didn't want to live thru it at the time, now it has somehow become necessary to relive it. Isn't that sick? Isn't that somehow just making things worse? Well I don't know, and pushing it down, ignoring it isn't working (which by the way is extremely annoying). I don't even really know where to start. The begining - when would that have been. The first time that I was molested? The first time I was told they were so disappointed that I was a girl when I was born? Fastforward when my mom got cancer? when my mom died? when my dad got sick, when he died. When I was so scared, scared doesn't even describe how I felt as I was fighting for my life and so relieved, yet scared when I was left on that dark and desolate country road, when I was petrified, litteraly that my children (and me) would be killed? When I realized that it didn't matter if I was dead as long as my children were alive. When I realized that no matter what I was unlovable, I am broken beyond repair. I think that would be the place to start, but damn it! Thats just way to fucking painful! I miss my mom and dad soooo much, I miss my kids (yes my kids are alive, and healthy and WONDERFUL!!! I am so PROUD OF THEM!) but I miss them needing me, and being around all the time. Maybe this is some wacked out hormone problem that I am having, but that is doubtful. I can't deal - I have to go.