Redundant

My life seems to be a futile attempt at really living. Does that even make sense? I'm sure not. I have been told for so long, for so many years, that I am dumb, stupid, a fuck up. And the thing is I hate whiny! I just truly hate it - but after reading my previous posts, I sound like a whiny little ass! (which just wrong because my husband would be the first in line to dispute that my ass is little lol) That just pisses me off! So all of that crap aside . . . its November, Thanksgiving is around the corner, and I am going to be thankful. I really am thankful, I have so many blessings, and maybe all of the "crap" that goes on in my life is there to remind me to be thankful. Well aren't I just a fat ray of sunshine today! My daughter will be home from college in 5 days! I am so excited! I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her since september 10th - that seems like a lifetime ago, but then on the other hand it seems like yesterday - I have great kids, I am sooo lucky! Of course they can be very "normal" teenagers, that drive me crazy, but all in all the good so much more out weighs the bad. Their father on the other hand . . . oh I can't go there that would be complaining and negative. God forbid! I have been told by sil3 that "people only treat you how you allow them to." Ok so my first instinct was ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! My second was WHAT THE FUCK!, so I am asking to be treated like a friggin doormat?!? Now that I have had months to digest this statement, I guess I can see where it makes sense, but how does one go about changing habits of being the resident doormat after soooo many years? Any ideas? At this point anything would be good, since the only ideas I can come up with is slapping someone upside the head, and that just makes me sound mean. I'm not a mean person, I'm not even a rude person, at least to the outside world, but let me tell you inside my head I am royal bitch! I can put up an intense fight in my head - where I am safe, sometimes it leaks out a bit to him, but . . . I can tell you from 20+ years of experience with him it doesn't seem to matter if I am docile, a pleaser, or a bitch, he will never be happy (with me). I don't know if its that he won't be happy with me, thats always been my fear, that its all me, the problems, the fights, his unhappiness, its all me. But then I think that makes me sound tooo self absorbed, that I actually have that kind of power, and I know I don't. I just struggle to make it all make sense in my head, and unfortunately it never does.