Beginings

Why am I doing this?

I am not expecting anyone to read any of this. I guess more than anything I am hoping that this can be a "safe" place for me to vent, contemplate issues and situations, try to work thru things. I think that I try to be more of a "peacekeeper" though some would say this is really considered "martyrdom". Whatever. I have spent most of my life being the caretaker, the peace keeper, afraid to say or do anything that would upset anyone. Maybe that was my way of not taking chances, not trying new things, because I had a built in excuse. I don't want to do that anymore. But, I don't know who I am. I am a mother, a wife, . . . but who is Heidi? Good question. Since my daughter has now gone to college I am faced with more "free time". Not really, but in some ways I am. I still have my son at home, and of course my ever adolescent husband. But my daughter is my daughter, my friend, my companion. My son will go to lunch with me sometimes, but I know he is only doing it because he feels sorry for me. My mom died 11 years ago. I seem to be having a very hard time dealing with it. The couple of years were very hard, then it did seem to get "easier" if that makes sense, not easier in that I didn't miss her or didn't think about her, just that I didn't burst into tears at random moments. But now, I am bursting into tears at random moments and it sucks. My father died almost 6 years ago, and I try to constantly tell myself, I was lucky I had my parents into adulthood, where unfortunately some children loose their parents when they are young. wow that sucks in so many ways! but, somehow it doesn't stop my mourning and my feelings of abandonment. Thats so ridiculous! I just can't seem to get myself over this . . . and then I feel guilty about it and it seems to become a viscous circle. So, Why am I doing this? Because on some level I am hoping that maybe by getting it all down will be a way of getting it out of me . . . good luck to me!